Nondescript.

Well, once again, this has no real topic or feature.

I'm not writing about beauty products, or Lush baths, or what I've bought recently, this is just a catch up/rambling/wondering what the hell I am doing.

I can't actually bring myself to write at all anymore. Everything's gone. All motivation, inspiration and words.

I feel like I am just floating through one disaster to the next. I'm still me though, which means I am still holding on to that little bit of hope that things HAVE to get better.

This year has been incredible. I can't believe we're in April. 4 months into, genuinely, the worst year of my life.

I have already written this year off completely. This post is going to sound like a total pity party, but it's really not, I just have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. I have no control over anything and I have seriously just lost any kind of normalcy I ever had about me.

After my nan, I thought we had to be done with our bad luck for the year. Then my Pop's started acting weird, ignoring us, not talking, mood swings, forgetfulness. At first we put it down to grief and annoyance that we were always there and he never had a minute to himself, we were smothering him, but we love him so much that it was so hard not to. Then he started struggling to walk, which was weird because it just came from nowhere, so my mum and Aunty took him to the hospital and he was kept in for tests, he was in for around 4/5 days but all tests came back fine and then he forgot any of us had even been in to visit him and the doctors finally scanned his brain and he was transferred to another hospital immediately for surgery, he had a massive bleed on his brain.

I HATE admitting this, but I truly believe in real life, real, real love and that is because of my Nan & Grandad, and I believe when one goes, it seriously is like a part of the one left behind goes too and I believe a broken heart can kill you, obviously, your heart doesn't physically break in two, but you just give up, what else is there when you are only half of a whole and you'll never be complete again? I get it, and its terrifying, because I seriously, for a bit, thought that was it, my Pop's was going to give up. I don't think I could have coped at all with that. Amazingly, hours after surgery, he was completely himself, better than I had ever seen him since my Nan passed away, it was insane!! But I am so, so thankful and grateful to still have him singing to me and slow dancing with me (even if I can't stand on his feet anymore!) and making me breakfast or making me sit through sky sports news ALL afternoon, I will NEVER take that for granted again!

If I ever find a real man, that is ever even half of the man my Grandad is, I will be the luckiest girl alive.

I don't know where it came from, I'm not one for dates and all that stuff, it's just not for me, I just want to be able to lay in bed in my comfies, cuddled up, having the odd squabble watching shit tv and eating food. That to me, is perfect. But yeah, so, I went on a date, I wouldn't really call it a date though, because I kinda knew him anyway so I guess it was like a catch up with a drink, and it was weird because I was so nervous and scared and I actually ended up having a lot of fun and I didn't want it to end. Normally, in that situation, I am dying to get away and it feels like the longest couple of hours ever but this was easy. I should have known then that I wasn't in the right mind to start seeing someone, I don't just like someone straight off, I have to get to know them first, that's what my best mates say about me, I'm all in or all out, there is no inbetween so I don't usually take 'dating' very seriously because, I always get to know them first then it just kind of...goes one way or the other. I don't like not knowing where I stand or what the other person thinks of the situation, I can be quite closed off but jeez, when it's like getting blood from a stone it does things to my brain haha. Like, I don't get it at all, like if you say you like me then okay, but if you don't then don't say you do... Is that not just general human decency?  Anyway yeah thats neither here nor there with this situation.

I was having the shittest time, all of this stuff with my grandad was going down and you know when you need to just be out of it? like, away from your reality, not with your friends, not with your family, just away, with someone who makes you feel good and is nice, and not a part of the shit stuff? I guess this was that and I was so grateful for it and kind of lost my footing, I turned into something I'm not, I came across needy and clingy and not me. HOWEVER, when I do think I've done someone's head in, and they're just like, letting me carry on thinking that and just stop responding - I know that's a hint, but then when they do respond and they're nice, it's confusing, I can't settle, I worry, not if it's someone I don't give a shit about obviously, but if I care about you, you'll know about it, I have to fix the relationships I have, I don't like bad feelings so I just try and try and I get annoying. I know that's my own doing but I got too much, and I know it, and I am seriously kicking myself for it, but my head just wasn't/isn't right. It's such a shame, this person was so nice to be around, just listening to the things they were saying and the way they'd talk, made me want to be better and nicer, it's weird. I guess different people bring different things out in you, especially new people. It's also a shame we can't be friends. It was good to talk music and vinyl and shitty movies and tv shows and whatever other random crap came up. There are some people you just can't say a bad word about. And it's nice.  Ah well, if you fuck up all you can do is try I guess!

Somewhere in the middle of my grandad, oh, and me turning into a bunny boiler, I got sick. Really sick. I also think half of the bunny boiler in me was born out of boredom and being alone all the time while I was sick, because spending 3 weeks alone is pretty rough - and I bloody love being alone!

I thought I had eaten gluten as I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, then I started being sick....and didn't stop for about 27 hours - yes, that specific, it felt like a lifetime to me! But my stomach was still hurting so bad. I thought I had pulled a muscle or something from being sick, so I went to the doctor, who sent me for bloods and they came back a little weird, so needless to say I still don't know what's wrong with me, I have to go for more tests in a couple of weeks to keep my eye on my levels so they can build a pattern...yay, don't ya just love being stabbed with a needle?!

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. I don't really know anything about anything, I just have more questions than answers.

I do have one of my best friends constantly at my side lately though, he buy's me weird tea and we make plans and I think he's right, I just need to get away. Away, away though, and for a while. I am seriously considering it. There's just nothing here and what is here is a mess. I just can't seem to make anything right so maybe a step back is just what I need to do. Then come back when I'm fresh and focused. I want to start a real life now, I'm so over going out and getting drunk and living like a teenager. I'm not. I'm 27 now - oh yeah, my birthday was all up in the middle of that big ol' mess! haha! I want to start my life. I'm not saying I want to get married and have 10 babies this year or anything, but you know, I'm not doing anything notable or anything I'm going to be so grateful I did when I look back in 50 years, know what I mean?


Well, I'm off to google places to run away to, so fed up of being stuck nowhere!

I actually feel a bit better and happier at the end of this essay! I feel like I've made a decision to do something for myself!!!