Nondescript.

Well, once again, this has no real topic or feature.

I'm not writing about beauty products, or Lush baths, or what I've bought recently, this is just a catch up/rambling/wondering what the hell I am doing.

I can't actually bring myself to write at all anymore. Everything's gone. All motivation, inspiration and words.

I feel like I am just floating through one disaster to the next. I'm still me though, which means I am still holding on to that little bit of hope that things HAVE to get better.

This year has been incredible. I can't believe we're in April. 4 months into, genuinely, the worst year of my life.

I have already written this year off completely. This post is going to sound like a total pity party, but it's really not, I just have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. I have no control over anything and I have seriously just lost any kind of normalcy I ever had about me.

After my nan, I thought we had to be done with our bad luck for the year. Then my Pop's started acting weird, ignoring us, not talking, mood swings, forgetfulness. At first we put it down to grief and annoyance that we were always there and he never had a minute to himself, we were smothering him, but we love him so much that it was so hard not to. Then he started struggling to walk, which was weird because it just came from nowhere, so my mum and Aunty took him to the hospital and he was kept in for tests, he was in for around 4/5 days but all tests came back fine and then he forgot any of us had even been in to visit him and the doctors finally scanned his brain and he was transferred to another hospital immediately for surgery, he had a massive bleed on his brain.

I HATE admitting this, but I truly believe in real life, real, real love and that is because of my Nan & Grandad, and I believe when one goes, it seriously is like a part of the one left behind goes too and I believe a broken heart can kill you, obviously, your heart doesn't physically break in two, but you just give up, what else is there when you are only half of a whole and you'll never be complete again? I get it, and its terrifying, because I seriously, for a bit, thought that was it, my Pop's was going to give up. I don't think I could have coped at all with that. Amazingly, hours after surgery, he was completely himself, better than I had ever seen him since my Nan passed away, it was insane!! But I am so, so thankful and grateful to still have him singing to me and slow dancing with me (even if I can't stand on his feet anymore!) and making me breakfast or making me sit through sky sports news ALL afternoon, I will NEVER take that for granted again!

If I ever find a real man, that is ever even half of the man my Grandad is, I will be the luckiest girl alive.

I don't know where it came from, I'm not one for dates and all that stuff, it's just not for me, I just want to be able to lay in bed in my comfies, cuddled up, having the odd squabble watching shit tv and eating food. That to me, is perfect. But yeah, so, I went on a date, I wouldn't really call it a date though, because I kinda knew him anyway so I guess it was like a catch up with a drink, and it was weird because I was so nervous and scared and I actually ended up having a lot of fun and I didn't want it to end. Normally, in that situation, I am dying to get away and it feels like the longest couple of hours ever but this was easy. I should have known then that I wasn't in the right mind to start seeing someone, I don't just like someone straight off, I have to get to know them first, that's what my best mates say about me, I'm all in or all out, there is no inbetween so I don't usually take 'dating' very seriously because, I always get to know them first then it just kind of...goes one way or the other. I don't like not knowing where I stand or what the other person thinks of the situation, I can be quite closed off but jeez, when it's like getting blood from a stone it does things to my brain haha. Like, I don't get it at all, like if you say you like me then okay, but if you don't then don't say you do... Is that not just general human decency?  Anyway yeah thats neither here nor there with this situation.

I was having the shittest time, all of this stuff with my grandad was going down and you know when you need to just be out of it? like, away from your reality, not with your friends, not with your family, just away, with someone who makes you feel good and is nice, and not a part of the shit stuff? I guess this was that and I was so grateful for it and kind of lost my footing, I turned into something I'm not, I came across needy and clingy and not me. HOWEVER, when I do think I've done someone's head in, and they're just like, letting me carry on thinking that and just stop responding - I know that's a hint, but then when they do respond and they're nice, it's confusing, I can't settle, I worry, not if it's someone I don't give a shit about obviously, but if I care about you, you'll know about it, I have to fix the relationships I have, I don't like bad feelings so I just try and try and I get annoying. I know that's my own doing but I got too much, and I know it, and I am seriously kicking myself for it, but my head just wasn't/isn't right. It's such a shame, this person was so nice to be around, just listening to the things they were saying and the way they'd talk, made me want to be better and nicer, it's weird. I guess different people bring different things out in you, especially new people. It's also a shame we can't be friends. It was good to talk music and vinyl and shitty movies and tv shows and whatever other random crap came up. There are some people you just can't say a bad word about. And it's nice.  Ah well, if you fuck up all you can do is try I guess!

Somewhere in the middle of my grandad, oh, and me turning into a bunny boiler, I got sick. Really sick. I also think half of the bunny boiler in me was born out of boredom and being alone all the time while I was sick, because spending 3 weeks alone is pretty rough - and I bloody love being alone!

I thought I had eaten gluten as I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, then I started being sick....and didn't stop for about 27 hours - yes, that specific, it felt like a lifetime to me! But my stomach was still hurting so bad. I thought I had pulled a muscle or something from being sick, so I went to the doctor, who sent me for bloods and they came back a little weird, so needless to say I still don't know what's wrong with me, I have to go for more tests in a couple of weeks to keep my eye on my levels so they can build a pattern...yay, don't ya just love being stabbed with a needle?!

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. I don't really know anything about anything, I just have more questions than answers.

I do have one of my best friends constantly at my side lately though, he buy's me weird tea and we make plans and I think he's right, I just need to get away. Away, away though, and for a while. I am seriously considering it. There's just nothing here and what is here is a mess. I just can't seem to make anything right so maybe a step back is just what I need to do. Then come back when I'm fresh and focused. I want to start a real life now, I'm so over going out and getting drunk and living like a teenager. I'm not. I'm 27 now - oh yeah, my birthday was all up in the middle of that big ol' mess! haha! I want to start my life. I'm not saying I want to get married and have 10 babies this year or anything, but you know, I'm not doing anything notable or anything I'm going to be so grateful I did when I look back in 50 years, know what I mean?


Well, I'm off to google places to run away to, so fed up of being stuck nowhere!

I actually feel a bit better and happier at the end of this essay! I feel like I've made a decision to do something for myself!!!

Pretty Personal.

I had every intention of keeping updated with my blog but everything is a bit complicated at the minute.

Work is stressful, when it really doesn't need to be, I'm just making it that way for myself.

I also recently lost my best friend in the whole, wide world. My Nana Janet.

She was everything to me.

It was really sudden and I think we re all still in shock.

She was the loudest, funniest, most caring, kind and selfless person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I am devastated to be completely honest.

She just went to sleep and never woke up. My poor Pop's is lost.

She suffered a massive stroke and brain haemorrhage in her sleep. They were the words used in the hospital, however I definitely think 'suffered' was the wrong word.

She was in a coma for 4 long days, the 4 longest days of my life.

We never left her side, so much so, they gave us a family room at the hospital and access to their kitchen so we could take it in turns to go eat or nap, at one point there were over 20 of us in the hospital, friends and family all coming to say their goodbyes. The staff were incredible.

She just looked sound asleep, well, I suppose she was just fast asleep.

I know this is such a weird thing to say but it was lovely having those 4 days with her, even though she was asleep and couldn't join in.

We played her music and put Emmerdale and 'Connie' (Corrie to the rest of us!) on for her and on New Years Eve, we all sat around telling stories about her and singing and talking to her and at midnight we opened the curtains and could see the fireworks.

Luckily, my cousin who lives in Abu Dhabi, was home for Christmas so all the time we spent together over Christmas was even more special because we were ALL together.

I honestly can't believe she is gone, I can't imagine my life without her in it.

Nothing is the same. Even me, I feel completely different in a way I can't explain.

I want to be more like her. She was everyone's friend and never said a bad word about anyone.

There was a girl who lived by her that she used to call, 'my little friend', she has known this girl since she was tiny and never forgot a birthday or Christmas card. 4/5 years ago, this girl was attacked by a dog and it disfigured her face and she never left the house other than for surgery after that and wouldn't see anybody and for the last 4/5 years, my nan visited her every week or so, and at first she wouldn't let her in, but my nan still kept going just to see how she was, then it became that my nan was one of the very few people besides her own family that she would see. My nan thought the world of this girl and used to send me to Lush every year to buy her a nice set for Christmas, same this year, only she went with my sister this year and picked it herself.

None of us have seen this girl since she was a kid because she doesn't go out of the house, so we just assumed she wouldn't come to the funeral.

We were at the funeral and my Grandad smiled a huge, heartfelt grin. She turned up. Someone who hadn't been out in 4 years actually came out, which I think is super brave and really, really says a lot about my nan and made my Grandads day. It meant so much to him, I think he wanted her there most and was rooting for her and hoping so hard that she'd come.

I managed to speak to her and she is so beautiful just like my nan always said. She said some really lovely things, I introduced myself and she started crying and saying she couldn't believe it, she had only seen her the other day when she brought her Christmas present, she said my nan was one of the loveliest, most patient, kind people she had ever met. This meant so much to me, seeing this girl standing in a church full of people, which must have been so hard for her, but she couldn't not go after everything my nan had done for her.

I just keep thinking how lucky I was to have had her in my life and how lucky I am that we had the relationship we did. I am so proud to be her granddaughter.

I am going to try my hardest to be more like her, I like to think some of her goodness is in me and I can start trying to be as selfless as she was.

Yeah so, I don't know how often I will be updating but if you stick around anyway, then thank you! && thanks for reading this, I just wanted somewhere to write it. I don't think I've done her justice but my nan and the love I have for her is something I can't possibly put into words.