Pretty Personal.

I had every intention of keeping updated with my blog but everything is a bit complicated at the minute.

Work is stressful, when it really doesn't need to be, I'm just making it that way for myself.

I also recently lost my best friend in the whole, wide world. My Nana Janet.

She was everything to me.

It was really sudden and I think we re all still in shock.

She was the loudest, funniest, most caring, kind and selfless person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I am devastated to be completely honest.

She just went to sleep and never woke up. My poor Pop's is lost.

She suffered a massive stroke and brain haemorrhage in her sleep. They were the words used in the hospital, however I definitely think 'suffered' was the wrong word.

She was in a coma for 4 long days, the 4 longest days of my life.

We never left her side, so much so, they gave us a family room at the hospital and access to their kitchen so we could take it in turns to go eat or nap, at one point there were over 20 of us in the hospital, friends and family all coming to say their goodbyes. The staff were incredible.

She just looked sound asleep, well, I suppose she was just fast asleep.

I know this is such a weird thing to say but it was lovely having those 4 days with her, even though she was asleep and couldn't join in.

We played her music and put Emmerdale and 'Connie' (Corrie to the rest of us!) on for her and on New Years Eve, we all sat around telling stories about her and singing and talking to her and at midnight we opened the curtains and could see the fireworks.

Luckily, my cousin who lives in Abu Dhabi, was home for Christmas so all the time we spent together over Christmas was even more special because we were ALL together.

I honestly can't believe she is gone, I can't imagine my life without her in it.

Nothing is the same. Even me, I feel completely different in a way I can't explain.

I want to be more like her. She was everyone's friend and never said a bad word about anyone.

There was a girl who lived by her that she used to call, 'my little friend', she has known this girl since she was tiny and never forgot a birthday or Christmas card. 4/5 years ago, this girl was attacked by a dog and it disfigured her face and she never left the house other than for surgery after that and wouldn't see anybody and for the last 4/5 years, my nan visited her every week or so, and at first she wouldn't let her in, but my nan still kept going just to see how she was, then it became that my nan was one of the very few people besides her own family that she would see. My nan thought the world of this girl and used to send me to Lush every year to buy her a nice set for Christmas, same this year, only she went with my sister this year and picked it herself.

None of us have seen this girl since she was a kid because she doesn't go out of the house, so we just assumed she wouldn't come to the funeral.

We were at the funeral and my Grandad smiled a huge, heartfelt grin. She turned up. Someone who hadn't been out in 4 years actually came out, which I think is super brave and really, really says a lot about my nan and made my Grandads day. It meant so much to him, I think he wanted her there most and was rooting for her and hoping so hard that she'd come.

I managed to speak to her and she is so beautiful just like my nan always said. She said some really lovely things, I introduced myself and she started crying and saying she couldn't believe it, she had only seen her the other day when she brought her Christmas present, she said my nan was one of the loveliest, most patient, kind people she had ever met. This meant so much to me, seeing this girl standing in a church full of people, which must have been so hard for her, but she couldn't not go after everything my nan had done for her.

I just keep thinking how lucky I was to have had her in my life and how lucky I am that we had the relationship we did. I am so proud to be her granddaughter.

I am going to try my hardest to be more like her, I like to think some of her goodness is in me and I can start trying to be as selfless as she was.

Yeah so, I don't know how often I will be updating but if you stick around anyway, then thank you! && thanks for reading this, I just wanted somewhere to write it. I don't think I've done her justice but my nan and the love I have for her is something I can't possibly put into words.