Body Beautiful?

I didn't know whether or not to write this post because I know it's a touchy subject.

I can't and would never speak on behalf of somebody but myself, as I only know about myself and my body.

I've struggled with my body the last few years. I used to be slimmer than I am now, then I got a boyfriend and we stayed in all the time and got takeaways or we went out to eat. Obviously it was fine for him because he had a naturally fast metabolism and had a hard time putting weight on. Good for him, bad for me.

So, yeah, we split up and I was trying things on for a 'girls night out' and I realised how much my body had actually changed. I actually cancelled on my friends, even though it was all in aid of cheering me up, got into my pj's and cried...and ate.

I've always loved eating. Like, I REALLY love eating. It's one of my favourite things ever, but I knew I had to go on a diet to feel better, so I did, and I made myself miserable. I can't not eat the things I like because if I restrict myself, I'll just eat wayyy more than I normally would anyway.

But I decided exercise was the way forward, I stopped my diet and decided I HAD to eat breakfast even though I hate eating it, and I had to have lunch and dinner at a reasonable time and with loads of veg or with fruit after each  meal. Anyways, after about.....3/4 months I lost 25lbs and I've managed to stay at that weight for the last 2 years, well not, that's a total lie, I've put on 4lbs, but I'm already on to getting rid of that.

I don't want to be thin, I know I'll never be thin, I'm not built to be thin, that's not what I'm aiming for. I'm aiming for happy and healthy. So after new year, I'm going to take up running again and eat more fruit and veg, that's my plan.

I'm still not very comfortable with my weight because I'm only 5'1 and a size 10/12 and my frame is quite small so it doesn't sit right on me. I do kinda like having a bum though, I must admit! I don't like to be called 'curvy' though, I don't know why, but one of my friends said it once and I was just got defensive. I think that's the medias fault though, putting labels such as 'curvy' and 'skinny' on people, I hate that. And the term 'real woman' for someone 'curvy' like, erm, hello? all women are real....aren't they?? I mean, if you pinch us, we're all actually here, real, not a figment of your imagination.... Sorry, I'll stop before that turns into a proper rant.

My boyfriend now is super active and always moving so I don't see him all the time, but he's fit and it kind of makes me want to do more...I haven't yet but I am determined,

Another thing about putting weight on  in those years, my boobs got bigger....I had quite big boobs anyway, I was a DD by the time I was 14/15 and I've always hated having boobs, in school I always felt weird because I had them before everyone but this one other girl, and I hated PE and getting changed and having to run and all the boys being really immature. When I put weight on, they got even bigger and they're still the same size now.

I'm still the same, I get so self conscious, I never, ever have them out, I get so paranoid.

However, I'm thinking as a new years resolution, I'm not going to make stupid ones like, 'I'll keep my room tidy' or 'I will limit my pizza intake to one a month' - ( impossible ones! ), but to accept that I have boobs and that, it's not so bad, everyone has them now, and if I like a dress but it shows a bit of cleavage, I don't have to immediately dismiss it.

I'm feeling a tiny bit more confident about myself now that I have started to relax, I've started wearing dresses too! I'm glad that I got myself to this point though, on that night I cancelled on my friends, one of my first thoughts was, 'I'll never get another boyfriend', and it really pisses me off that I thought that, now I can honestly say, I would never change to make someone like me and I'm glad I didn't. I did get another boyfriend, despite not looking that much different to when I felt so rubbish, and he just adds to it, he's so nice to me and makes me feel good. I'm happy, and when I'm happy, I smile... a LOT and I don't panic over the slice of pizza or cake I just ate, and life is easier that way!

But, I am going to look after myself next year, get fit and work with what I've got!!

I don't know why I wrote this. I think it was just so I have it in writing to remind myself to work at it. :)