Nondescript.

Well, once again, this has no real topic or feature.

I'm not writing about beauty products, or Lush baths, or what I've bought recently, this is just a catch up/rambling/wondering what the hell I am doing.

I can't actually bring myself to write at all anymore. Everything's gone. All motivation, inspiration and words.

I feel like I am just floating through one disaster to the next. I'm still me though, which means I am still holding on to that little bit of hope that things HAVE to get better.

This year has been incredible. I can't believe we're in April. 4 months into, genuinely, the worst year of my life.

I have already written this year off completely. This post is going to sound like a total pity party, but it's really not, I just have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. I have no control over anything and I have seriously just lost any kind of normalcy I ever had about me.

After my nan, I thought we had to be done with our bad luck for the year. Then my Pop's started acting weird, ignoring us, not talking, mood swings, forgetfulness. At first we put it down to grief and annoyance that we were always there and he never had a minute to himself, we were smothering him, but we love him so much that it was so hard not to. Then he started struggling to walk, which was weird because it just came from nowhere, so my mum and Aunty took him to the hospital and he was kept in for tests, he was in for around 4/5 days but all tests came back fine and then he forgot any of us had even been in to visit him and the doctors finally scanned his brain and he was transferred to another hospital immediately for surgery, he had a massive bleed on his brain.

I HATE admitting this, but I truly believe in real life, real, real love and that is because of my Nan & Grandad, and I believe when one goes, it seriously is like a part of the one left behind goes too and I believe a broken heart can kill you, obviously, your heart doesn't physically break in two, but you just give up, what else is there when you are only half of a whole and you'll never be complete again? I get it, and its terrifying, because I seriously, for a bit, thought that was it, my Pop's was going to give up. I don't think I could have coped at all with that. Amazingly, hours after surgery, he was completely himself, better than I had ever seen him since my Nan passed away, it was insane!! But I am so, so thankful and grateful to still have him singing to me and slow dancing with me (even if I can't stand on his feet anymore!) and making me breakfast or making me sit through sky sports news ALL afternoon, I will NEVER take that for granted again!

If I ever find a real man, that is ever even half of the man my Grandad is, I will be the luckiest girl alive.

I don't know where it came from, I'm not one for dates and all that stuff, it's just not for me, I just want to be able to lay in bed in my comfies, cuddled up, having the odd squabble watching shit tv and eating food. That to me, is perfect. But yeah, so, I went on a date, I wouldn't really call it a date though, because I kinda knew him anyway so I guess it was like a catch up with a drink, and it was weird because I was so nervous and scared and I actually ended up having a lot of fun and I didn't want it to end. Normally, in that situation, I am dying to get away and it feels like the longest couple of hours ever but this was easy. I should have known then that I wasn't in the right mind to start seeing someone, I don't just like someone straight off, I have to get to know them first, that's what my best mates say about me, I'm all in or all out, there is no inbetween so I don't usually take 'dating' very seriously because, I always get to know them first then it just kind of...goes one way or the other. I don't like not knowing where I stand or what the other person thinks of the situation, I can be quite closed off but jeez, when it's like getting blood from a stone it does things to my brain haha. Like, I don't get it at all, like if you say you like me then okay, but if you don't then don't say you do... Is that not just general human decency?  Anyway yeah thats neither here nor there with this situation.

I was having the shittest time, all of this stuff with my grandad was going down and you know when you need to just be out of it? like, away from your reality, not with your friends, not with your family, just away, with someone who makes you feel good and is nice, and not a part of the shit stuff? I guess this was that and I was so grateful for it and kind of lost my footing, I turned into something I'm not, I came across needy and clingy and not me. HOWEVER, when I do think I've done someone's head in, and they're just like, letting me carry on thinking that and just stop responding - I know that's a hint, but then when they do respond and they're nice, it's confusing, I can't settle, I worry, not if it's someone I don't give a shit about obviously, but if I care about you, you'll know about it, I have to fix the relationships I have, I don't like bad feelings so I just try and try and I get annoying. I know that's my own doing but I got too much, and I know it, and I am seriously kicking myself for it, but my head just wasn't/isn't right. It's such a shame, this person was so nice to be around, just listening to the things they were saying and the way they'd talk, made me want to be better and nicer, it's weird. I guess different people bring different things out in you, especially new people. It's also a shame we can't be friends. It was good to talk music and vinyl and shitty movies and tv shows and whatever other random crap came up. There are some people you just can't say a bad word about. And it's nice.  Ah well, if you fuck up all you can do is try I guess!

Somewhere in the middle of my grandad, oh, and me turning into a bunny boiler, I got sick. Really sick. I also think half of the bunny boiler in me was born out of boredom and being alone all the time while I was sick, because spending 3 weeks alone is pretty rough - and I bloody love being alone!

I thought I had eaten gluten as I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, then I started being sick....and didn't stop for about 27 hours - yes, that specific, it felt like a lifetime to me! But my stomach was still hurting so bad. I thought I had pulled a muscle or something from being sick, so I went to the doctor, who sent me for bloods and they came back a little weird, so needless to say I still don't know what's wrong with me, I have to go for more tests in a couple of weeks to keep my eye on my levels so they can build a pattern...yay, don't ya just love being stabbed with a needle?!

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. I don't really know anything about anything, I just have more questions than answers.

I do have one of my best friends constantly at my side lately though, he buy's me weird tea and we make plans and I think he's right, I just need to get away. Away, away though, and for a while. I am seriously considering it. There's just nothing here and what is here is a mess. I just can't seem to make anything right so maybe a step back is just what I need to do. Then come back when I'm fresh and focused. I want to start a real life now, I'm so over going out and getting drunk and living like a teenager. I'm not. I'm 27 now - oh yeah, my birthday was all up in the middle of that big ol' mess! haha! I want to start my life. I'm not saying I want to get married and have 10 babies this year or anything, but you know, I'm not doing anything notable or anything I'm going to be so grateful I did when I look back in 50 years, know what I mean?


Well, I'm off to google places to run away to, so fed up of being stuck nowhere!

I actually feel a bit better and happier at the end of this essay! I feel like I've made a decision to do something for myself!!!

It's Getting Closer...

Well, Christmas is well and truly on it's way!

I love Christmas. I just love it. But seriously, where has this year gone?!?!

I seemed to have blinked and it's just completely flown by me.

I've been pretty crappy the last couple of weeks, keep getting sick and I'm sick right now in bed, with a towel on my head procrastinating. I need to dry my hair to go to work but I just feel awful and really don't want to.

I haven't posted in a while so thought I would just write a little quick catch up.

I've really not been up to much, working and being sick is about the jist of it.

Oh! I did go see Mariachi El Bronx last week though with one of my best mates. They were SO, SO, SO good!! I had THE best night!....the next day definitely wasn't so much fun :s

Other than that, I've seriously not done much which is a kinda rubbish way to end a year.

But hey, that can all change in a second so hopefully I'll be feeling better soon and can actually do something fun!

I got a snap the other day of a local paper from someone who has been gone for a long time.... I mean we stayed in touch but they're back from their travels!! So that was nice! I don't know why this made me so happy but it did!

I can't think of what else to say other than I may try add to this later because I have to go dry my hair and go to work, which sucks. I would much rather stay in bed where I can puke alone, not in front of a shop full of customers....I can just see it now....Oh, why do I think these things?.. haha! This better not happen to me now!

Anyways,

Laters!

InstaWeek2

Wow, I'm actually carrying on with this instagram thing... 

SO yeah, it's not been the most eventful of weeks...well, actually it has but these pictures didn't quite capture the good times, because I was, well, you know, living them haha.

Ahh this week has been pretty pleasant actually. It started well and has ended well!

Tuesday was steak night so me and two of my bestest went for steak and a drink and to watch a bit of football.  Marvellous as usual and so nice to catch up! Then one of my friends left and Vicky and I went off to see our good bud Ogo at open mic in Hannah's bar and had a cocktail or two!

Then I took a picture of the 'Wig-Wam' Cathedral while we waited for our cab. I love that about Liverpool, you stand on Hope Street and you can see a Cathedral either end! I think that's pretty special!

SO I have this thing for Robert De Niro. I love him. So I watched The Deer Hunter. If you haven't seen it, you should give it a gander it's pretty bloody good!!

If you know me and are reading this then you'll probably be sick of my adoration for Natasha Lyonne. Ican't even help it though. I love her even more than De Niro. I just think she's incredible and I whole heartedly love her as Nicky in OITNB (obviously) but watching interviews with her and stuff, she's pretty amazing, and I totally want to be her best mate, and that accent!!! It's my favourite. (But yeah, LOVE Slums of Beverly Hills)

This was my Friday.

This is my best mate. My Nan. Janet. Took her shopping on Saturday morning, which is always hilarious because my Grandad does his own thing and walks off with the trolley and she's usually gabbing away and doesn't realise. Also, that cardigan she's wearing, I wore it to her house one time and she made me go buy her the same one. Twinz. 

Still couldn't get rid of the green tinge in my hair from the Washed Up Mermaid so I shoved a bottle of Rose on it again to try and fade it out again...hoping it works this time. So, yeah, I have pink hair at the minute!! Fun fun....

Saturday night. Well, Saturday night turned out to be a lot more than I expected. I haven't laughed that much in a long time! Spent the night listening to old music on YouTube and being hilariously serenaded until about 5am. It was the best. ever.

Had a lazy Sunday chilling with my family and trying to tune my little uke. Wish I could re-do the end of this week again right now. Definitely got Monday blues creeping in but I'm hoping for more of the same next week!!

If You're Happy & You Know It Clap Your Hands.....

Are you happy?

I never know where I am to be honest.

Sometimes I am really, really happy and will just get a little light bulb moment and I'll stop in my tracks and  just grin and feel soooo good, then other times, not so much.

I plan on my little light bulb moment becoming a more permanent fixture this year. Obviously I know you can't be happy ALL the time. But why not like 99% of the time??

I've let other people bring me down and make me feel insecure and sad and really bad about myself, be that me feeling like I'm not good enough for them or about how I look.

I've decided no more though. Enough is enough.  I'm at a point where I've stopped and had a word with myself.

I had to question why certain people could make me feel certain ways, and then I realised, it was because I let them.

I was always really down and it was horrible. I struggle with anxiety and depression anyway, but it wasn't that.

They made me feel soooo good when we first met and then that wore off pretty quickly so I started putting it down to me, I was doing everything wrong, I must have changed in some way?? It never occurred to me that it was the other person changing. So I tried and tried and still couldn't figure it out, which brought me even lower because if I didn't know what it was, how could I fix it?

It's only recently I realised how much of my time I actually spent feeling really sad about how this now completely insignificant person thought/felt about me.

What a waste!!!!

All those nights I sat in my room not wanting to leave, I could have been out, moving on, moving up!

It made me really angry that I actually wasted my time in the first place, but you learn and grow I guess, so it wasn't a total waste, just went on a lot longer than it should have.

I know now, that anything is an upgrade from that situation and as long as I can be happy with myself, if someone does change the way they think/feel about me then there's not a lot I can do about that. That's them, not me. So I don't think I'll be wasting much more time worrying about it.

Life really is just too short to waste time worrying about other people you have no control over.

I'm moving on and feel pretty good about it, out with the old in with the new ;)

The funny thing is, I now know it wasn't me at all. I tried and was nothing but nice. I suppose some people will always just be wolves in sheep's clothing.

So, FUCK IT. Just LIVE and breathe and be grateful for the good things you have in life....If you stop and think about it, you'll see you have a lot more than you realise.

I am so thankful for who and what I have, I really am a lucky girl.

Sunday.....

Hmmm... I still havent really figured my blog out. I don't really know what it about or if it's even about anything in particular at all and my posts are pretty sparse because sometimes...... I just don't know what to write.

So, I think I might start a Sunday summary kind of post so that I can at least write one post a week.

I guess it will probably just be about what I've been up to and that sort of stuff. (they may be picture heavy occasionally with drunk/trashy pics!)

SO yeah, here goes week 1.

This has been a weird week, I've not actually done that much...

 I've kind of been unofficially offered two jobs, so that's good...because I'm skint. But we'll see if anything actually  happens with them.....

Went out last Saturday with my two best friends and it was such a good night! Even if my feet were in agony the next day! Thats what dancing in heels til 6am does to you!!

Then had a little girly night in with Vicky on Friday watching tv which was nice!

Saturday and today were pretty sweet, actually, pretty amazing. But a bit of a mess. Oh, and I just happened to fall down the stairs - infront of someone!!! Embarrassing doesnt even cut it. Oopsyyy.

However, I've just had one of those moments when you say something and as soon as the words leave your lips you want to shove them back in, ARGH!!!!

Well here's some pictures from this week!!

Little bit of Christmas in Liverpool

And a couple from Halloween

So yeah, that's about it! :) 

M.I.A

Sorry for the complete lack of posts lately, I have been SO ill.

Had Norovirus followed straight on by a kidney infection, then got better then I started getting serious pains after I ate and it was making me physically sick. Was horrible. Turns out I have a gluten intolerance....who knew eh?!

Ah well, all that is behind me now and I'm trying to get on with being Gluten Free, it's not been that bad so far, I mean I'm only a few days in but it hasn't bothered me at all. To be honest, it's inspired me to start cooking and baking again. Going to attempt to make my own birthday cake next month!.... I'll let you know how that one goes!

I've also been busy with college, hair is taking over my life. When I'm at home, I'm doing my mum and sisters hair and in college I'm either playing with dolls or blow drying peoples hair. BUT I passed my two exams and got a distinction in my first practical assessment so I'm pretty pleased with that. Well, I did say I was going to get my head down and get this done, and done properly and well.

I'm pretty lucky though, all of my class get along, there's no little cliques or anything, maybe because we're all a little older. We all get on so well and everyone's really nice and we all went out for drinks after we did our exams, I think there was about 15 of us or so....was a little rowdy!!

Well, yeah, just thought I would share a little post to say why I've been M.I.A, unfortunately it wasn't for any glamorous reason like I had been whisked away somewhere tropical and warm! haha!!

Going to get back to writing and scheduling some posts now for when I'm back at college so I dont lag so much :/

xx

Food, Glorious, Foooood....

I am food OBSESSED.

It's all I think about. I LOVE it. LOADS.


I don't know why I'm doing a post about food, but I've been thinking about it today non stop (as usual).

I've been trying to eat wayyy better than I normally do because I'm going on holiday and I finally got to my goal weight about 2 weeks ago, and for some stupid reason, as soon as I reached it, I started eating crap again!

I have zero will power. Sometimes I can eat really well for ages, and then I'll have a bad week or something and I'll just eat what I want!!

Well, the last couple of weeks have been a bit...shall we say, blah. They've been a tad confusing and quite frankly I still h ave no idea what I'm doing. So my holiday figure has gone down the pan, but it's okay because I have every intention to change that when I get back from holiday. College starts in October and my other plans will be starting to come together around then too. So then I can be a lot more disciplined and can plan my time and meals a lot more, which always helps!

So, 'what is your favourite food?' is one of the hardest questions ever. Yes, dramatic, but I either answer with 'I can't choose' or I reel off a huuuge list!

I think about this in bed when I can't sleep, which is more often than I'd like!

I start thinking it's pizza, then I think it's pie and mash, then I think it's Nando's, then I think it's Yo! Sushi, then I think it's Ramen from a little place in town, then I think it's burger and chips, then it's chilli cheese fries....OMG. Seriously. I could go on forever. Then I go onto desserts....then drinks...then I think occasionally about starters and things. It's absolutely ridiculous.

I don't know if anybody else thinks about food this much, or am I totally alone in this? haha

Some of the things that I love:

Peanut Butter - anything
Pizza
Sandwiches
Crisps
Chips - with cheese, beans, chilli, sour cream, almost anything!
Pasta
Nando's
Chinese
Mexican

I'm starting to mentally drool just thinking about this. So I should stop.

Anyone else think about food a lot??

Got any favourites? Any tasty recipes??

Share!!